On lies, lying, and lying liars.
We didn’t lie about where bacon comes from, but we didn’t tell her the whole truth either
“The trust of the innocent is the liar’s most useful tool.” – The internet says this came from Stephen King, but did it?
It’s a myth that autistic people can’t lie. We can—we’re just bad at it. There’s a meme that keeps popping up in autistic circles because it’s hilariously on-brand for us: “If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.” One of my kids once asked a colleague why their bottom teeth were “ugly.” Fortunately, my colleague was also autistic and laughed. Not wanting to lie and therefore be known as a liar, I have trained myself to look for something that I can praise genuinely when someone asks for my opinion but is really seeking affirmation. A relative once asked if I liked crème brûlée and I replied that custardy textures gross me out. When I opened my Christmas gift from her – it was a set of ramekins and a torch for you know what – I told her truthfully that I’ve always wanted a kitchen torch. Awkward! But at least I didn’t lie.
I will never understand why some people lie constantly, because lying kills trust, and the mental energy required to keep up the con must be enormous. However, lying is so common among neuromajority folks that the relative unwillingness or inability of autistic people to lie has been noted as one of autism’s deficits. As the authors of this scoping review put it, “The ability to deceive others is an important skill that usually develops in early childhood.” An important skill.
Most of the research on lying and deception detection among autistic people focuses on ability rather than motivation. Why might autistic people avoid lying, aside from being bad at it? For me, knowing the truth is about survival. If the ugly truth helps me keep my family safe, I’ll take it over a pretty lie any day. I don’t want to be flattered, coddled, or saved. I want to be informed. I owe my survival to people who told me uncomfortable truths that I needed to know for safety. For me, sharing the truth with others feels like a show of respect.
At this point you might ask if autistic masking (aka camouflaging) is lying. Masking is a topic for another post, but I’ll say briefly that masking is about suppressing our autistic needs and inclinations to meet the needs of other people during social interaction. If proprioceptive hyposensitivity makes a kid flap her hands and everyone reacts by freaking out, she’s going to learn to suppress that stim to keep other people comfortable. That is not lying, and is in fact driven by a prosocial and even altruistic instinct, since it depletes the autistic person’s resources for the benefit of another.
One of my spins (special interests) is con artistry and predation, because con artists are wired so differently from me, and because – I’m treading lightly here to avoid poking bears with sticks – I will just say that I’ve spent my entire life in proximity to con artists and predators, although it took me years to understand that. It is no secret that autistic people are bad at deception detection, but so are neuromajority folks. How do I know? Because they misread us ALL. THE. TIME. So, if we start with the premise that people in general are bad at deception detection, then who is most vulnerable to con artists and predators? (I use the term predator broadly to describe someone who uses deception, exploitation, and coercion to control other people. It can be financial, sexual, spiritual, political, whatever. Point is, they always begin with deception.) I offer you my entirely non-scientific typology of vulnerable groups based on decades of personal observation across contexts. Your mileage may vary.
The innocents. These are genuinely nice people who want to give others the benefit of the doubt. They tend to be honest themselves and feel that it’s disrespectful to suspect others of lying. Most of us were in this group as children; we had to learn that you can’t judge a book by its cover. Adults who grew up with mostly decent people may also be in this group.
The approval seekers. Remember that the “con” in “con artist” means “confidence.” The con artist wins your confidence by persuading you that you are special, and that they alone understand how special you are. In my experience, there are two subgroups in this category. Subgroup A folks seek approval because they have been devalued for so long. Maybe they were abused, neglected, betrayed, or discriminated against in some way. The con artist senses this vulnerability and seduces—not necessarily sexually, but it is a seduction all the same—their target with flattery, gifts, and favors. The vulnerable person wants to believe that this is because their benefactor truly recognizes their value as a human being. Subgroup B folks, in contrast, are narcissistic. I am not referring to narcissism as a psychiatric diagnosis but as a relational dynamic: Echo was in love with Narcissus but she could only repeat his words, never her own thoughts. (The Greeks really understood narcissism!) People in this group seek approval because they need to feel superior to others. It is not good enough to simply be valued. One must be valued OVER others. The con artist understands this, being narcissistic as well. Their seduction includes appeals to exclusivity: they did this special favor just for you, there’s only so much of this resource to go around and they saved it for you, you are among a select group of people invited to their party.
The earnest. These people genuinely care about some issue or mission, and can be conned by a skilled predator who convinces them that they share the same mission. Consider those mind-boggling cases of white women getting jobs at nonprofits or in academia, usually in the humanities, by pretending to be women of color. You may wonder why the people who hired them didn’t do their research. But people in these kinds of workplaces tend to care so much about social justice and amplifying the voices of people from silenced groups that due diligence can be overlooked.
Since no one is a mind-reader, how do you protect yourself?
One way is to ask what’s in it for the other person, no matter who they are. Set aside cultural stereotypes about who is good and who is bad. Anyone can be a con artist. Have you ever seen a little old lady get frisked at the airport? There’s a reason. TSA employees have Seen Some Things. Ask yourself what your apparent benefactor is trying to buy when they spend money on you, especially if the gift is bigger than the standard exchanges that occur reciprocally when people are getting to be friends. It’s hard to suss out con artistry at the beginning of a relationship, romantic or otherwise, because everyone is on their best behavior. Give yourself time to watch and listen.
Another way to protect yourself is to watch for signs that they are trying to isolate you from people or information. The goal is obvious: they don’t want you to find out the truth. People who genuinely wish you well want you to have a vast and supportive social network. Nobody ever isolates you because you’re special. They isolate you because you’re useful. And before you pull a Bill Withers on me and sing about how good it feels being used, you need to know that no one comes out of it unharmed. That’s by design. A con artist needs to leave their target compromised in some way so that if and when they realize what happened, they are disempowered to the extent that they have little recourse. A predator typically tries to trick or coerce their target into complicity with something unethical or even criminal, so the target ends up with something of their own to hide. This keeps them quiet and is one of the reasons predators can get away with repeating their crimes for decades, especially in places where there is regular turnover, such as schools, hospitals, and prisons.
Pro tip: If someone asks you to do something sketchy and implies that you owe them after all they’ve done for you, they are stating in no uncertain terms that their “generosity” was a bribe. The Godfather got it wrong; nobody announces a bribe up front. This is your moment to walk, even if people call you ungrateful. Research shows that people will violate their morals for someone who has done them a favor, presumably because they don’t want to be accused of ingratitude. This is precisely why con artists and predators pretend to be benefactors in the first place. If the choice is ungrateful or venal, always pick ungrateful.
Finally, remember that liars are liars. If you catch them in a significant lie, they are lying about other things too. And if they are lying to you, they are also lying about you. You are not special to them, because nobody is special to them. Fact-check whatever they tell you before acting on it, listen to your gut if something seems off, and give yourself permission to keep your distance. And if you discover that you’re already in too deep with a con artist, it’s never too late to get out. Admit that you were conned and ask for help and forgiveness as appropriate. This happens to more people than you know.